I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
