a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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