Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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