sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
