I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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