Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
