just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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