she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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