I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
