It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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