I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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