I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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