Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
