Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
