Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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