My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When did angry sex become our thing?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
