she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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