My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
