Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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