I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize