I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
You smell like a Billy Joel song
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
