So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
