I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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