At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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