is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
