I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
