I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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