sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
