it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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