we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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