You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
