Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
