why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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