my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
