i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
