Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
