2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
