And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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