god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
