so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize