I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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