woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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