anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
