he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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