I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
