she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
