someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
