Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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