i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize
