dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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