so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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