I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize